The other day I read pages I ripped out of a journal. I have many journals. Some waiting for words to be written upon its pages and some with scribbles of my favorite quotes or notes from a work presentation. My work notebook actually has a page in it about types of fats from a TED talk on eating healthy. I love journals, so you'll never guess my favorite section at Barnes and Nobel is that section. Reading these pages from 2010 can bring me to tears in a matter of seconds. That time brings my heart to a place of so much weight. I still mourn the person I was and the pain I went through. It was so painful. I do not have that pain of the time anymore, thankfully. Looking back only helps me to know who I've become and who I'll never be again. One day I know it won't be like this even when I think about me back then! On the pages I talked about what I needed to work through - what I was facing in life. I knew I needed to face one issue at a time and give it my all. Each one took so much of me. Some were naturally exhausting, difficult, and beyond what I thought I had in me. To do each one well and successfully, I knew I'd be doing it one step at a time. That become my mantra in the years to come - "One step at a time." I wrote it on a stone and placed it on my desk at work (see below). I look at it everyday. "One step" could be a moment, a few minutes, an hour, a day, a morning, an afternoon, a week, etc. As I read through the pages, I evaluated how I worked through all of them, except one final one - my financial situation. Although, my health and fitness (which includes my weight loss) goals are still a work in progress, I know they will be achieved over time as I work at them everyday. Really hitting my financial situation and planning for my future could have happened along side everything else going on in life, but what many of you don't understand is I put my all into something when the time is right. It's interesting when I took the time to see what was occupying my life, aside from work, these last couple years. What's exciting is, I've set so many goals and achieved them. There is so much yet to come.
So, as I looked at my successes, it was only natural to see that 2015 is going to be the year to get on track, get organized, and hopefully get ahead with my finances. Here's what has been going on minus so many details: June 2010 Ended relationship, hurting, losses of so many, loneliness, sadness, anger, 2011 Healing, forgiving, goal setting, growth, and moving on towards the end of the summer 2012 Embracing happiness; physical back pain & feeling old June 2013 & 2014 Really becoming active for the first time routinely & taking care of me; loving again (since March 2013) It is quite scary and exciting thinking about how am I going to better myself financially. It's not always easy being a single woman working for the Church wondering about her future (short and long-term). I don't like feeling like I am a sad case that will always be just that or one that will always have to sacrifice and live a very tight life. Is it so bad if I want it to be a little bit easier than check-by-check and worrying about the next big emergency? I don't think so. I do think it's time, the right time, to get my finances in order. Join me as I bravely share with you my next BIG adventure in my money land. Don't worry, all my other goals are still very much alive and well! 2015 is a very big year. Will I really be running this year? Will I reach my goal weight? I'm developing new programs at work, which is exciting and challenging. I am made for that...one step at a time, right!? I've been growing my hair out! Have you noticed?! How long will it get this time!?? And where will my friendships and relationships go? But wait, what will God have in store for me? If you haven't, do take some time to reflect upon 2014 and the coming 2015 year! Blessings upon what is to come and may God guide you in all things! My 2014 Blessings:
Happy New Year!
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This week was flowered with the concept of self reflection in various ways. I left work frustrated after talking with a parent who couldn't come to terms with our late fee for registration. Instead of making me feel like dirt, I felt as if she needed a "come to Jesus moment" where she admitted to herself that she missed the deadline and would take the consequences like an adult should. That didn't happen. I felt she could use some good self reflection time. I thought more about what it means to be a self reflective person as a result. It is through self reflection that I have become a better person. The Holy Spirit convicts me, my heart softens, I seek God's (and sometimes others) forgiveness, and I learn and grow to become a better person. This is not always an easy process. God may reveal something "ugly" that I need to work on. Maybe I hurt someone or I've made a poor choice in my life. Both need mending and healing. Admitting we are wrong is never an easy decision, but it is necessary. The situation will most likely come up again if we try to move forward without doing the work, making things right, and healing. Robert Frost said, "The best way out is through." People can also be the victim when we decide to push off self reflection, true one-on-one/heart-to-heart Jesus time, and move forward. That time could happen very quickly within a conversation you are having with another person. You would pause, take a moment to reflect, be with Jesus, and then respond. On the other hand, the time could be hours, days, or weeks in different situations. But the results very greatly when there isn't a reflection moment. The situation was for you to take ownership of and instead you put it on the other person. It is their fault; they are to blame; they are horrible... There is no room to understand where you truly stand in the situation. You don't even think about the other person/organization/business or what have you. You could have been mad about something else that day and you're projecting these feelings onto this person. This is just one of the many examples. Take a moment, be with Jesus, and reflect. The "paths" we still need to revisit so we can mend them will take longer. I suggest taking one situation at a time. Work on it with God by talk with Him, read Scripture (reflect on it and pray...maybe one word or phrase will stick out to you), and talk to someone if needed. This someone should be a person who can tell you the truth, not just what you want to hear...the fluffy pretty stuff. You really want the straight up truth given from a place of love and respect. Sometimes that is painful, but it is necessary. Try not to get caught up in taking the advice personal. Take it, reflect on it, and use what you can for what you need to make right in the situation. After all, you don't need another situation! It is important to move on from a situation once we have worked through it and mended anything we needed between others, ourselves, and God. This is probably one of the most important steps. For some it is the hardest. Someone once told me it's like taking out the trash. You did the work. You took the trash out. God took it away. He forgave you. So, why are you always trying to take it back? Let yourself be free from it. Why are you continuing to give it power over you and trapping yourself? Let yourself be free from it! You are free...you are free. If you need to say, "I am free," do it. Let go of the shame, guilt, pressure, anger, sadness, embarrassment... When we become regular self reflectors, we become goal setters! This is the exciting part. We see that we are not the best version of ourselves, but we want to be and we want to work towards that. So, we get busy doing that ALL THE TIME! Hopefully by this point, people that are regular self reflectors, are not in a negative place all the time. We can embrace failures knowing it is the only way we can succeed. And when we have those moments when we forget to reflect, go to Jesus, and then respond and we hurt others and ourselves, we go through the step necessary to be on our way to becoming the best version of ourselves. I have a destination in mind of where I want to be. That is heaven. I am ready to leave here any day at any time. I do not fear death. Do I think I am the best version of myself right now? Absolutely not! But, I want to work towards that all the time, so hopefully the day I die I can say I tried my hardest in my time. I believe it starts with being self reflective, involving God, setting and working towards goals, forgiving and healing what needs to be, and moving forward. Over and over again in whatever order, in time, we become a better version of our self. Here's just a little part of an awesome talk from Matthew Kelly! -What's your game changer? What are you going to do now that's different from before to make your life better? -Who are you, where are you and where are you going? -What does your bigger future look like? What is it going to take to build that bigger future? -What do you ensure? You ensure dreams! Are you clear about your dreams? -What do you want? What do you want to do? What do you want to become? Learn more about Matthew Kelly here.
Today was a great day! It started with a decision to make it a positive day. I posted this on Facebook: "This morning make a decision to not let one negative word come out of your mouth today. NOT ONE. Will you agree? Up for the challenge?" I was excited to do this after the last few days that seemed stressful. I know much of our attitudes can make or break our days, but getting ready for Faith Formation registration can be a trying time! lol So, today I was going to try hard to MAKE it a great day, especially by keeping my thoughts and words positive! To my surprise, the keynote speaker to the Administrator's Day today was a gym teacher! That explained why we were to dress casual and why we were going to be active. Before I knew it, gym teacher Steve had us in a circle around two ropes in the shape of a circle. One rope was inside of the other. I can't quite remember the excise exactly, but it went something like this: We were to decide where we wanted to go.
Where do you think I went and why? It felt good to go to the inner most circle. The inner most circle is new to me! It is out of my comfort zone. It is a place of risk taking, adventure, and of the unknown. On this day, it was also a place that could test my physical abilities. That was also exciting. When did that get exciting for me?!? It felt new, odd, and exciting to go to the inner circle. But here's the thing, I now have the confidence in myself and my physical abilities to go to that inner circle - a place of risks, adventure, and of the unknown. When did this happen? It happened over time, slowly but surely. It happened through conditioning my body gaining muscle and strength. It happened when I achieved goals that I never thought were possible (and I am still making new goals ALL THE TIME!). It happened when this kind of lifestyle became a way of life and started to change my life...embracing the unknown with confidence is just one change. I tell people that working out will change your life far beyond losing weight. As I reflected on what got me to go to the inner circle, it felt great knowing it was all my hard work at the gym (with and without a personal trainer...but especially with) that got me there! It has nothing to do with how I looked, but 100% on what my body is capable of achieving and my confidence. If you don't believe me, I can prove it to you! There were times that I was still self-conscious about my body image as we did physical activities. I didn't like the clothing I was wearing. Of course I didn't come in my workout clothes to an in-service type day! But that didn't matter. What mattered was my confidence, willingness to step in and try, and knowing my body is capable. When this is true, so much can happen in our lives! I came across this blogger who has shared 10 truths about working out. It is one of the best articles I've read! When I read this, I found myself say, "YES," to every single truth. More living happens the more active, healthy, confident, and happy we are. So who once said that all we have to fear is fear itself? When we don't fear the fear to the point that it stops us in our tracks anymore, but we take control and move beyond...much can happen. The "impossible" can happen. Dreams are born. We are far more powerful than we can even image goes the other saying. Check out this video: Decisions to make to reprogram your brain to overcome fear:
You can reprogram your brain to overcome fear! You can do anything you set your mind to! I refuse to settle for the trap of feeling old, because I am getting older. I hope that my body is faithful to me as I work at it each and everyday. I've been at it for a year now! I am going to be straight up honest here - I am tired and frustrated with people that complain that they feel old, but continue to do nothing about it. Come on people, 36, 37, and 40...are not old. It really isn't. When you think about it, people that age may live over double that in our world today. DOUBLE! My grandpa is over 80-years-old right now. His mind is sharp; he is funny; he loves his wife; he prays everyday. Now he has the right to say he is an old man, and he has been saying he is old for the last few years. He has worked very hard in his life, he has pains from real old age, and his heart hurts as he watches his wife's memories go. But when I started to feel old at 29 and 30, I was NOT going to settle and become complacent ANYMORE. But it took some time to get there. We can feel old in all sorts of ways: extra weight, injury, illness, disease, responsibility with children, children growing up and/or moving on, taking care of parents, a job we don't like, working too much, losses of all kinds (job, child, boyfriend, parent, spouse, desire to..., house, debt, a sense of purpose/drive, etc.), and so on. However, we were never made to be weighted down by this heaviness. I remember being on a retreat that talked about the seasons of our lives. It was so neat to think that we naturally go through all four seasons in our lives. The seasons change, just as things in our lives change. If something in our lives is making us feel old, it is how we are perceiving it and ourselves. The perception can be changed. I can remember distinct moments where I have said to myself and others that I feel old physically, because of the extra weight my body was carrying, my back pain, and the lack of shape my body was in. My body still wants to break free and go and do the things it is designed to do at this age, but it struggles. Just think, what can your body do if it is taken care of well? I am 32. What can my 32-year-old body do if it is in its prime shape? I am about 1/3 of the way to finding out that answer. It gets more and more exciting the closer I get away from, "I feel old" and closer to, "I feel great." So, my, "I feel old," is physical. What is yours? Maybe yours is too. Or maybe, it's one of the other reasons I listed above. What can you do so you don't feel old? I think it comes down to having goals for yourself, something to reach for that invigorates your life, makes you a better - a more whole person. We can sit around and let life pass us by, but we will continue to feel old until the "cows come home." No one can change your life except you. The amazing part is when life starts to change after the work is put in, life becomes better! As part of my fitness plan, I wanted to get a WI state sticker, so I could explore and hike around High Cliff State Park. I didn't end up getting one last year. In fact, I didn't end up going there much at all last year, because a lot of people weren't around to go with me. I was so disappointed on beautiful Saturday mornings. I decided this past Saturday, that I am not going to mope around this summer, because people are busy doing their "thing," and I have no one to do anything with. Guess what? I have plans. I have places to see. I am going to be active. Maybe you'll join me or maybe you'll see me out and about. My life is important and so is getting to what I want my age to feel like is. This past Saturday I bought that sticker. It is a present to me for my year of successes and for what is to come this summer! My High Cliff Hike (Red Bird Trail) -June 31, 2013 In the end, it was nice going alone. I had some time to think by myself, take in nature, and be quiet. Along the way, I thought metaphorically about the trail, its terrain, and life. You'll see some of that in the pictures. For example, at one point in the trail, there is a very hot, dry, rocky area that is not covered by shade. To me it can symbolize the hard times in life, the dry dessert-like times. While on my hike I reflected that I am glad to be out of my dessert times. There were rocks placed sporadically throughout this place. Each area could mean something different to a person. I love taking pictures of trails. This trail in particular looks so different along the way, just like our life. Towards the end of the trail is a more meadow-like tree covered area after you pass some camping. It is very peaceful. It is less rocky. One side of the trail almost always has the opportunity to do some rock climbing if one chooses to. I only chose to once. Rock climbing is not my strong suit. Especially being along, I sought out a small and rather easy climb. I was pleased with my progress. My "mountain climb" since 2010 has been the most difficult journeys in my life, so it does feel good to actually physically climb sometimes while thinking about that. I hope to feel I've reached the mountain top soon. I know it's close. How could I not snap some shots of flowers. They bring such joy to my life. (The pictures do not do justice here, but I hope you enjoy and reflect!) Reflective Questions:
Remember only you can change this, no one else can. I close with words from Dr. Maya Angelou. May she touch your heart today. She's a beautiful woman. May her words soak into you and inspire you if nothing I've said has. Today has been a new kind of Mother's Day. Prior to today, I've read blogs of other women who have lost a child or children to miscarriage and they taught me a different way to see this very special day. They too are mothers! But so many people don't know this, because they either don't look at it this way or they don't know their stories. It is not their first Mother's Day when a child comes into this world.
One of the blog entries sounded like my story if the context was changed a little. I feel selfish - like my situation is not even comparable to mutter those words of similarity. I understand the cries of a "barren/infertile" woman who is waiting wondering when her time is going to be. I have disappointments and denials of a life I dream and hope for, but they only look different as a single woman. I can only imagine my cries to God being similar to theirs..."I am so faithful to you. How long must I wait? Please help me to accept whatever is your will." And so I move forward wondering if this cross becomes less heavy as time moves on. I haven't figured that out. So, what is a woman to do when someone says, "Happy Mother's Day," to you when you are not married and without children? First of all, it was like music to my ears! Really, it was. It probably was, because of my deep desire to have my own child or children. What happened next really made the difference. She must have realized or wondered if I was a mother and asked if I was. I said no, but then she asked about my job in the Church. When I told her that I coordinate the high school religion and confirmation program, she said I was a spiritual mom (or something like that). This weekend truly confirmed exactly that. Saturday was the Sacrament of Confirmation. It is a privilege and joy to walk the high school juniors and a few seniors through the Confirmation Program each step of the way. For most of them, I've started to get to know in their freshman year in the high school religion program (Faith Formation). There is such a transformation over the years, but especially during the Confirmation year. Then on Sunday at church, I was selling roses for Mother's Day, and a high school senior who was ushering came into my sight. He was confirmed last year, and I hadn't seen him in forever. I said his name (I was so excited), and he came my way and hugged me. I was overjoyed with his joy about where he will be going to college and all that he learned about the university. He mentioned to me how close the church was to the school. We talked for a while and then it was time to carry on. It is not only him, but the few others that I do touch base with and they are sure to stop and tell me how they are doing. But he was a blessing today. Did I feel like a spiritual mom when he came my way? I sure did. By the way, I never knew how spiritual ushering could be until he shared with me last year in his confirmation interview. I was holding back tears when he was telling me how much he grew in his faith and spirituality from ushering. I've shared this story often. This is why I will (especially) never forget this boy. What I have been able to figure out is how to be happy in the present day even if I wish I had something/someone more. We all wish for something/someone more in our lives. I learned a long time ago that my life has started, and I must make it a good one now. I don't feel like my life hasn't begun because I am not married, and I don't have children. We will be in a whole lot of trouble if we're always looking for the next thing to make us happy if we can't learn to be happy with what we've got, because we'll never be happy then. But there is a dream...and for now I carry that with me in a very special spot on this Mother's Day. Maybe someday I'll be my child's spiritual mama and so much more, but for now I'll be that for so many others. That's a gift I'll give, and I'm blessed more than they'll ever know in return. I'd like to share some insights I gave to someone back in August of last year when she asked me to following question about working out and going to the gym: "What are you doing and how do you stay motivated to go?"
I think this is a good follow up post after my last one. August 13, 2013 #1 I hate working out, too. I always have. It is hard. It always has been. I don't like it. Pain never feels good. They say pain is weakness leaving the body...because after all, you are getting stronger each time. What I have come to learn is this...it doesn't matter if I hate it. It is good for me. We don't always have to like what is good for us. #2 I am staying motivated first because of my back. My back went out for the second time right before last Labor Day. I was stuck in a church basement with colleagues. Two of them helped me get out of there, but it took A LONG TIME. I almost thought we were going to need to call the ambulance...no lie. There was no elevator. Every step was painful. Then there was the stairs up...and into the car. Those ladies were miracles that day. One of them took me to Urgent Care where I got muscle relaxants. Thank God they took me, rather than having ER fees (but that's where I probably needed to go). I started seeing a chiropractor once a week regularly (more in the beginning to make it through this initial back injury...from lifting something too heavy for me) for 7 months - very expensive. This spring I decided to do something more proactive than reactive... I HAD TO. I had to start working out regularly and to hire a personal trainer to work on strengthening my core and back. My chiropractor talked about how weak my core was...and essentially my back was...if I couldn't make it a week without an adjustment. I do remember a time when I felt young and without back pain. It was in college and right after college (when I was thin). I don't want to feel like I am 40+ for the rest of my younger life. I don't want to feel this back pain each day, and I surely don't want to have my back go out ever again if I can avoid it by doing what I HAVE TO DO. My body screams at me every morning to take care of it, because my back is sore every morning. This is my cross I carry, because I haven't taken care of my body. BUT...it doesn't have to stay this way....I can change it...and hopeful my body will respond positively! #3 My neurologist says that I need to be working out...having physical activity everyday to prevent migraines. So my back and head feel better when I am active. I may hate every minute of working out, BUT it is good for me. I pay the consequences if I don't do it. Part of growing up and being responsible are doing those things that we must even if we don't like to. Why did we want to grow up when we were kids? It's so much easier being a kid, isn't it? hehe I'll take the sandbox any day please! Do I workout everyday? I am better at this some weeks than others. #4 That sexy woman that is fighting to come out...will come out again. Those sexy ass jeans. Those sexy size 12 clothes hanging in the closet. I lost all that weight to gain all of it back, plus some. That was not suppose to happen. It was hard work. That will never happen again unless some of it comes back on due to pregnancy. It's harder now, because I refuse to count everything. I want it to be more natural. It's harder now, because I am older. I will not date someone that does not support a healthy, active lifestyle. I gained 70 pounds while dating someone for two years. He didn't support this kind of lifestyle. I let too many things go. I lost myself in that relationship. I am fighting for me...for me! Every time I want to give up, the sexy woman comes back for more, BUT...I can promise you this...the other motivators win each time...if it weren't for them...I don't know if I would have shown up for my training sessions each time, because the sessions kick my butt. #5 Progress is motivation...remember when you could fit into smaller clothes sizes!? That's exciting. That is just starting to happen. My muscles are getting stronger. My core and back are starting to get stronger. My trainer would modify moves and after a while, they don't need to be modified. The number on the scale goes down. Losing inches on your waist...and so on... #6 Find what works for you. I know that the gym will work for me. Tapes will not work for me. I will not come home, plug the tape in, and do it each and every day. I know however, that I will pack my bag, go to the gym, and work out. I am paying money for that membership and my motivators help me to get there. I wish I had machines at home for the times I couldn't get to the gym. I would die for an elliptical. I am on a scholarship program with the YMCA. I pay $21 a month. The regular singular membership is $40. I can go anywhere in the country with that membership. That's what I like. I worked out in Menasha the other week! Since I work north of Green Bay, I workout in that area after work, but if I work late...need to get home to eat...I'll do that and then workout later in Kimberly. You can't always do that with some of the gyms. When I was in MN visiting a friend, I almost went to their Y to workout, but I didn't end up having time. #7 Never wait for motivation. I learned that we may never be motivated, so you can't wait for it. To get things done, you just have to do them. You schedule important things into your life. You prioritize them. You plan and prepare well for them. What clothes do you need? What equipment/supplies? Am I all set to go for each time? You are important enough to do this for yourself. It was time for me to get serious. That's what turning 30 was all about for me. It doesn't have to be 30 for you. It could be something else. #8 Surround yourself with motivation. There are great websites and groups on facebook. Share what kind of encouragement you need and ask for it. Set realistic goals. I am in love with Sparkpeople right now on here. Make sure you have positive people in your life. #9 Humble yourself. I have story upon story that you would laugh your butt off with. This chubby girl tucked her shirt into her workout capris. This girl let her 25-year-old male trainer pinch her fat for the pinch test. I've been on all fours climbing all over with my butt in the air. I've done jumping jacks with my shirt going up...and I think my belly peeked out...oh my Lord...have mercy. He's probably seen my boobs in my sports bra if he's seen down my shirt a few times. The list could go on. I am humbled almost every single time. Sometimes I am working out when there are people from church there. Those are moment, too. I tell Tyler (trainer) that laughter helps get though this. I've wanted to quit almost every single time. I've wanted to call him swear words every single time. And the last time I wanted to puke. I walk strong and proud through that gym with my messy, two pig-tailed buns of a hair-do knowing I am headed to where I am going in life, and I am one step closer. If you choose a gym, you can do it alone. It is just a process to get there. You will be taught many things about yourself and life first. If you decide a different route, you will learn many lessons, too. ___________________________ I hope something here inspires and motivates you to action to take better care of yourself, whether it be physical, emotionally, or in another way. Blessings on your journey! Amy Recently I heard something like, "Without hard work, you get soft." So, I thought about about the word "soft" today for a little bit. What did it exactly mean? In our world today, in my world, soft means lazy. When I don't work hard, I get lazy. I could list off areas in my life where I am lazy right now, but I could tell you with passion how I am working harder than I have ever before. I am not soft, nor lazy in those areas. I have drive. I have discipline. I feel the pain. I work day after day on my goals. I was recently talking with a woman about a hard conversation she has to have with someone. The two of them had an argument or fight. Even as adults, it is hard to sit down, talk about what happened, and come to a place of resolve even if both people haven't found peace. Let's say the two decided not to talk to each other about their conflicts; what would happen? Some people avoid such conflict all the time, because they think it is the easier way. BUT is easier always better? Without hard work in this situation, the two could be left hurt and their relationship may be strained, other people around them could be affected, and making the wrong right can't be done. There may never be another chance to go back and make things right. God calls us to be our best selves. He gave us certain talents and gifts to use to serve one another. When we are not working hard, serving God well to glorify and honor Him, we probably are not our best self. Matthew Kelly has talked and written about how we can become the best version of ourselves. http://dynamiccatholic.com/ Without hard work people are:
What would you add? I am reminded again of how important our lives are; how each one of us is important. There is no turning back. The "What if I did...?" or "If I only could have..." can be painful reflections of regret, loss, and pain. So, my point is, you, my friend, are important. More than that, you are valued, loved, and special. You are a treasure of our Lord. You are worthy of love, respect, and care. I will even say you are worthy of those three from YOURSELF! When you think about the dash, the line between the date of your birth and death, time comes to mind. What have I accomplished? Have I done well with the time God gave me? It is crazy to think that in the last few years, I have now just added the question, "Have I taken care of myself well?" All the questions you may ask or the two listed before this final one, is dependent on the last one. We cannot be here on earth living well doing amazing things if we don't treat our bodies, minds, and souls with good, healthy things. We just can't. Most times, the dash will get longer if we are doing a better job of taking care of ourselves and not putting ourselves last. Last April or May I shared with my doctor that I wanted to begin working out again and start personal training for the first time. My doctor said in response that summer is the best time to develop the habit of working out...to really take care and focus on me. She knew my job. She knew that I'd have more time right then and there to get this habit in my life, so I could carry it through into the school year. BUT, I am going to tell you, I had to make some serious choices to make it work. I STILL DO! Work no longer rules my life. WORK NO LONGER RULES MY LIFE. After 7 years of ministry, I have made changes, so it doesn't. And as a result, I believe my dash is getting longer. I am happier and healthier. ONE...STEP...AT...A...TIME! Believe me, I still have my back pain and my migraines, and time issues, and well, other issues...but I know what my priorities are. And they are in the right order. It took a lot of heartache realizing they were in the wrong order and to put them in the right order. It wasn't just work that was in the wrong order. And there probably are some that I still need to work on. Don't ever forget that you are worth it. You are important. Your dash is counting on it. Stop wasting time. Make changes today! Today! It is not selfish. Everyone is affected by your well being. What kind of questions come up after you watch "The Dash?" What makes your soul happy and brings you to peace? What makes you laugh? I think we should be doing more of these things. What brings you closer to God? How is God asking you to help others? How can I share of my time and talent? How can you take time out for yourself and not feel guilty knowing it is needed? How can you become a better friend, sibling, parent, spouse, significant other...and so on? How can you become the better you? http://play.simpletruths.com/movie/the-dash-poem/ I went several months without blogging before my last post. It wasn't because I was too busy or wasn't interested. I actually think through what I could write as I drive to work often times. I didn't post, because I was struggling with issues of anger. My posts would have been whinny, bitter, and hurtful. I had to take a break, a step a way. However, I have decided to blog about one situation, because of what God taught me in the process. Plus, I've lost my steam over the situation! God has a way of doing that to me sometimes. He can humble me in seconds. So here it goes... Over the holiday season the YMCA offered a challenge for its members to stay on track during the Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years holiday season. We were to weigh in three times, and the biggest loser in weight percentage would win a personal training session. I was very excited, since I no longer could afford personal training sessions and my last session was at the end of summer. I did well until I got a sinus cold after my second weigh in. I decided not to complete my last weigh in, since I gained some of my lost weight back. The challenge was over, and I would never know if I even came close to winning. Not long after, a personal trainer called me up and offered me a free training session. I was ecstatic since I didn't win or even complete the challenge. The day arrived for me to meet with the trainer. It was a very busy time at work, but I made the time for this. I changed into my gym clothes and psyched myself up mentally for a hard workout session that my body was about to undergo. If any of you have ever experienced personal training, especially when you are overweight, you know it is hell (but very good for you). However, the trainer was no where to be found. This was upsetting. I think he was 30 minutes late. I can't remember anymore. I was livid and here's why:
...So now it's a little awkward at the Y when we cross paths, but oh well. BUT, here's the thing...I needed to move past being in an uproar about this. Of course I told my parents, co-workers, sister, and a few other people about this. How long was I going to go on about this? How long was I going to let this fester? I can remember one morning when I was thinking about all of this and God stopped me like a deer in the headlights and He said, "But Amy, you are late too!" And here's the thing....I could rationalize my way out of this one all I want, but God will come back with the same few words again. See, it doesn't matter if it's just my boyfriend or my sister. It doesn't matter if it's just a casual event or formal (but not for something really important). Each person's time is important. Every time I am late, it says something to them and about me. I am late often! I am careless with my time. I am irresponsible. I have poor time management. I think my time is more important. I don't want to take action from what I have learned from my poor time management decisions. I try to fill too much in my time. Even if I don't say this out loud or even really think these thoughts, these are messages being told. They are ugly and embarrassing. So, yes, I am not trying to pick up clients, but that doesn't make my tardiness ok. It is pretty crazy when Jesus humbles us just like that, in moments where we are in shock. It was as if He pulled the blanket off my ugly bad habit and was revealing it. As if he didn't see it all for what it was the whole time! What's really ugly about it is when I was pointing my finger at this man, Jesus was looking back at me. It was at those moments my heart broke and forgiveness arose. There is much danger when we point our finger at another, since we can always be turning that same finger back at ourselves and examining our own sin even if the sin is of a different nature. Who are we to judge others? It can be so easy to get caught up in it though. It was easy to move on from my anger for this man, because of Jesus' lesson. Also, because I have a lot of work to do on myself in this area. I've learned that the only person we can change and grow is yourself. One of the most difficult, but very amazing things is, I have the Holy Spirit to show and tell me ways that I need to change and grow in. We know for a fact that God will never fail at that, because we can always become more like His Son...because that is what love is. Jesus is love and we are to love like Him. So, take some time to think about what fingers you've been pointing and the areas in your own life you need to work on. Then give thanks for God breaking your heart as He revealed this to you. Seek forgiveness for the pointed fingers of judgement and ask Him to walk with you as you work to grow and change in your weakness of sin. Blessings! ~Remember God loves you too much to leave you the way you are!~ I love this song by Casting Crown. It fits perfectly with this. "Jesus, friend of sinners Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointed fingers Let our hearts be led by mercy Help us reach with open hearts and open doors Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours." Casting Crowns in Jesus, Friend of Sinners ...listen below! A few weeks ago I lost my Master lock! This lock was faithful to me for the few years that I've been working out now keeping my belongings safe. It kept my bike safe in college and quite possibly back in the days when I biked to elementary school. The combination was familiar, and I loved the fact that it had two numbers that were the same! I left the lock at the YMCA once before, and to my surprise and reassurance, it was recovered in their lost and found! This time however, I was not so lucky. I was told that they cut locks off that are left behind. Did I leave it behind locked? I looked for my lock for weeks! In the following week, I broke down and bought a new Master lock. Here's what I discovered:
I've heard the only constant is change itself. We get so caught up in the familiar, constant, and definite. We try to have control over everything. How foolish we are when we place our trust in the things of this world. My lock is a metaphor of course. I found so much comfort, almost immediately, in how it related to life and change. I have found that I can let go easier, move forward quicker, and heal faster when I place my trust fully in God. When I have everything planned, organized, and ready, God ALWAYS shows me a way to teach me that I relied too much on myself and my abilities. Even through the years with a lot of practice, I think I have everything under control. Something will happen right in the middle of everything...my life...my work...that will stop me and He will say, "Amy, you try too hard without me. You have forgotten to start with me. Nothing is for certain, and it is ok. Rely on me now, but remember to start with me next time. Slow down. Take a step back. I am with you in these coming moments now. I love you. You can do this. I will give you the strength." - Written with tears....knowing the Holy Spirit revealed this to me as I wrote this blog. And so, I move into my tomorrows knowing God is always with me among the change I take on or that comes my way! |
So this is me...I am a woman who lives with passion, self-reflection, and a desire to do God's will.
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